A return to blogging....

Dear Nicole,

Right now, it's almost 3 AM. I think when most people read that, they will think "Oh my goodness! What is she doing up so late?", however the time itself isn't shocking. It's the fact that I spent the last 6 hours working on finishing up a detailed something or other for work when my boss told me to take the easy way out. Just to be stubborn, I continued on the path I'd started. And I will have to spend time tomorrow reviewing it again to figure out why it's off. By a million dollars.

I tell this story to show exactly how I let my pride and stubbornness get in the way of progress. Since I've been writing to you for almost 20 years, I'm pretty sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. I am only just realizing this about myself and working on correcting this malfunction in my personality! (A hint about 15 years ago would have been appreciated!)

I apologize for the gap in writing for the last year. I had another blog set up where I gave too much of myself and too many people read it and used what I had written against me in various forms. I deleted it for many reasons: 1) because every time I read previous posts, I got maudlin, 2) I wanted to remove all contact with the people that had been reading it and 3) I was thoroughly embarrassed by my lack of discretion. You know how open I can be, but it's just occurring to me that the other people in the situation might not like the story told from any point of view. Old dogs can learn new tricks...no names and no giving out the address this time. I doubt any one I know will stumble across the newest version of our communication. We'll see.

What can I tell you about the last year? Let's see...I've changed jobs twice, once voluntarily, once not so voluntarily...but both resulted in a better 'next job' for me. I have given up the house owning dream...well it was a nightmare wasn't it? From day one, that house was not blessed and any luck that ran through it was bad luck. I am really enjoying where I am at now, my landlord is great (and hot) and I feel like I've entered a country club of sorts.

The romance situation is the same. Dear Lord! Help! I am worse than a 13 year old who's just been told they are allowed to date. I run either hot or cold. Confident, sexy, charming, witty, fun or a recluse with a bad attitude and terrible complexion. Someone told me today that if I want different results I need to do something different. There are so many areas to do that in, I have to pick the one with the most pain and start there I suppose.

I think my nerves and shyness and self doubt and self sabotaging are the worst for me. I think I'll start there. As an example, I went DT for lunch last week, and there was the smallest possibility that I might run into him. When I got out of my car, my hands were shaking so badly, it was like I was either in the middle of a deep freeze or high on 10 red bulls! I know I have nervous energy and that I am high strung to say the least. I am working on some yoga breathing to calm my nerves, relax me and help me focus on what's really important. ME!

Ok, well I just wanted to drop a line and let you know I was still alive. I will be writing more and revisiting some of our past letters. Who knows, someone one may read them and know exactly how to fix whatever problem I have (that day).

Good night (morning)

Annie