Long time no write

Dear Nicole, 5/20/2001

Well, it's been five months since I last wrote. So much for daily promises, huh?!? It's late Sunday night. N- is asleep in J-'s bed. A lot has happened in the last few months.

First, I've 'lost' two cats - Pip, who had been with me for 8 years disappeared in September and Harry, a kitten I'd gotten in July to celebrate my separation, took off right after my last entry in the middle of December. I'm telling you this because I feel like I'm not a good person for not searching for them more and for not taking better care of them.

In September, I got a puppy who is now a 50 lb dog that I am neglecting and I feel like I'm outright abusing her. I've placed ads to give her away, but I still have her. I don't want to take her to the pound, but that might be my only avenue at this point. Because I feel so guilty about her and not taking her out, I hide... at home by staying in bed, or by staying at work late. I won't go to the park because I feel like if I'm there, I should bring her, but it's so exhausting to walk her. So I just do nothing. That's been my MO for the last 27 years - give or take a year.

And so I'm in the house with my other two cats, Kitty and Truman. I took Kitty to the vet for the first time in six years last month. They said she is fine, but I can see her getting frailer and frailer and I can't tell if it's age, sickness or that she misses Harry - they were best buddies. She hates Truman and I think that adds to it. Then Truman is 8 months old and 11 pounds. He's part Maine Coon cat so he's huge and domineering which might also contribute to Kitty's behavior.

So now you know my pet worries. Next, let's see...there's my weight. After losing 20 lbs through diet and exercise, I've gained 10 back and I just can't seem to get motivated to start working out again. Although N-'s visit will help because I'll end up like her, grossly overweight and with a limited lifestyle because I just won't exercise. When I'm done writing, I will definitely workout - sit ups and such. Then, maybe I won't feel like such a bump, you know?!

Next, let's see, we have work. The day after I wrote my last entry, S- leaders and A- leaders got us in a room and told us we didn't have jobs with A- anymore. But they gave us a half day of vacation which makes it all better, don't you think? S- offered us all jobs at the same salary and we all took it. We moved over gradually in January. I soon had work to do which gratified me in some ways. I did my usual of making myself indispensable to my boss, doing many things above and beyond the call of duty and effectively getting paid for one job while responsible for two or three.

The office is definitely divided between the workers and the non-workers. In the last two months I've been spending a lot of time at work - for many reasons. The number one reason is that I have nothing else going on in my life to focus on and number two is that there's a ton of work to do and I, somehow, feel it's my responsibility to do it all. Ok, so there are really just two basic reasons, but each is so multifaceted that two just seems like too simple a number. I'm trying to follow L-'s advice and take back the power that I've given work over me. I feel like I've lost control over my life, that I'm just riding along, waiting on someone else to give me a break instead of trying to make a break for myself.

I re-read my previous entries and I'm back to my Dec 11th reflections of being tired. I am very tired. Tired of trying and losing. Tired of making stupid decisions. Of acting first and thinking later. It sounds so simple in the song to just "change your mind" and get a new outlook on life, but depression doesn't let you do that. Depression likes to keep you down in a continuous cycle of negativity and hopelessness. I know I don't want to do that anymore, but I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to keep trying, to keep hope that things will be ok when I am beginning to see that I don't win, that I'm forever going to make the wrong choices and not notice until it's too late! I am trying to find my faith in myself, but I can't seem to. It keeps me from doing anything because I'm afraid of the outcome. I'd rather hide in my cave than take a chance and possibly get hurt again.

This is all related to work because I can't seem to leave S- because I'm afraid no matter where I go, I'll do the same stuff that gets me in the same situation time and time again. So each day at work, I'm trying to keep to myself and not notice all the problems going on around me since I have no power to change or correct them. I sometimes feel like I'd like to be there when the people that irritate me suddenly realize where they've been wrong and wish they'd been right. But I've finally figured out that it's never going to happen. "IT" only goes around, never comes around.

L- sent me a daily inspiration that talks about vengeance being the Lord's and that there's no such thing as 'righteous anger'. Well, if that's true, then I have nothing, because it seems like I'm becoming an angry, bitter, envious person. I feel like every thing I do or say comes out nasty, so again I don't want to do or say anything because of it. But I know I have to try or else what's the point of living? And I've thought seriously of committing suicide, but there never seems to be a good time. I mean, it's either too close to some one's birthday or I'm doing something for someone that is depending on me. My co-dependency is the only thing keeping me alive at this point.

So now, we're on to the good stuff...my family and D-. Ok family first. I feel like a worthless mother. When I have the kids, I don't do anything, we fight, I get irritated and they end up thankful that they live with their dad. B- is prospering without me in his life so I guess D-'s prophecy of B- kicking himself when I was gone was wrong. And that makes me feel worthless among other things. Like no one wants me. Like no one cares for me except what I can DO for them. This weekend was M-'s birthday and I really missed being with them, seeing them everyday and really being part of their lives. But other than getting back with B-, which I am sure is not an option, what do I do? I'm terrified of losing 'my' place in the kids' lives, but didn't I really give it up when I moved out? I think I'm looking for a "No, Annie", but the answer to that is really "Yes, Annie".

My heart feels like it can't take any more pain, but everything I do just seems to add to it. Every decision I make just makes me feel worse and worse about myself. I feel like if I do something to enrich my life that I'm taking away from something I should be giving to the kids. I can't forgive myself and I wouldn't know how to in any case. I feel sometimes that I've got to suffer to make up for leaving B- and the kids. This is another vicious cycle I get into because I feel like "Well, Annie, you left to live a life, so live it" but if I do anything, I think "That's something that could have been given to the kids". Whether it's money, time, or my good moods which are about as rare as the times when I have money.

Ok, well, that one is too deep for me to keep going with so let's move on....D-. Well, we're on our fifth final separation. It helps that he's in Italy with J- until sometime in June. Then neither of us can give in to our baser needs, although my needs are for how he makes me feel when we're together. I feel loved and safe and important when I'm with him. Without him, I feel lonely, small and scared. All the 'what-if's' come out. What if I never get over him? What if I get over him and he comes back? What if he and J- decide to start a family while they're away? What if we really stick to this and I never see or hear from him again? What if I really left B- for D- and all my pain over the kids was for nothing? I feel like such a fool sometimes for giving in to him the way I do. I say I don't want to be alone waiting on him, but isn't that what I'm doing anyway? I mean I started writing tonight so I wouldn't feel so lonely and dead inside. That's exactly how I feel - dead. There is no joy in my life. Well, yesterday at M-'s party I felt joy, but I had to leave it behind since I left them last year.

Well, I've gone from feeling lonely tonight to feeling downright miserable. So much for writing being a release for me! I guess I should go before I talk myself into a handful of pills as a before bedtime snack. Talk to you later.

Annie