Dear Nicole, 11-8-94
It's been awhile since I've been able t o write in a journal. I've gone through two since I was in 6th grade, 10 years ago. I've been through a lot in those ten years and now as I begin a new era in my life, I also begin a new journal. My sister A- gave this one to me after learning that I am having a baby. Yes, that's right, me, Annie, most irresponsible, is having a baby. Not only that - I'm married too!!!! Hard to believe!! Well people eventually grow up. Let's hope I do before the baby's born. I'll start at the beginning of our relationship.
On the day before my 21st birthday , with no job and no plans for my future, I went Christmas shopping for my friends and birthday shopping for myself. I had gone to my sorority's semi-formal the night before and didn't feel like celebrating again but since it is required.... I planned to go to Rockafella's because Dillon Fence was playing and it was the only place I could get into as an under 21 person. I only planned to buy one drink and go home. Well some cheesy guy started talking to me and bought me a shot for my birthday. This guy was like 20 years older than me and scouting the college bars looking for a hookup. When it got too weird, I went into the main part of the club to listen to the band and get away. There were a couple of guys that had been in the bar while I was navigating my way to safety. They came up to me and suggested I hang out with them for protection. Since they were my age and one of 'em was cute, I agreed. We ended up hanging out the rest of the night.
Since my birthday as usual was either the first day of exams or Reading Day, my friends didn't go out with me on the night before when I should have been wined and dined for my 21st. So instead, we made plans to go out the night of my birthday. One of the guys from the night before, B. met up with us there and my friends met him for the first time. D. said he was NOT my type at all (should have listened - 12/13/09 comment). We began dating and when I graduated a few months later, B. and I moved in together and a few months later, I was pregnant. We got married about a month later. On the anniversary of the death of Elvis...not a good sign, huh? So that brings us up to the present and we'll see what happens....
Wish us all luck,
Love,
Annie
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Long time no write
Dear Nicole, 5/20/2001
Well, it's been five months since I last wrote. So much for daily promises, huh?!? It's late Sunday night. N- is asleep in J-'s bed. A lot has happened in the last few months.
First, I've 'lost' two cats - Pip, who had been with me for 8 years disappeared in September and Harry, a kitten I'd gotten in July to celebrate my separation, took off right after my last entry in the middle of December. I'm telling you this because I feel like I'm not a good person for not searching for them more and for not taking better care of them.
In September, I got a puppy who is now a 50 lb dog that I am neglecting and I feel like I'm outright abusing her. I've placed ads to give her away, but I still have her. I don't want to take her to the pound, but that might be my only avenue at this point. Because I feel so guilty about her and not taking her out, I hide... at home by staying in bed, or by staying at work late. I won't go to the park because I feel like if I'm there, I should bring her, but it's so exhausting to walk her. So I just do nothing. That's been my MO for the last 27 years - give or take a year.
And so I'm in the house with my other two cats, Kitty and Truman. I took Kitty to the vet for the first time in six years last month. They said she is fine, but I can see her getting frailer and frailer and I can't tell if it's age, sickness or that she misses Harry - they were best buddies. She hates Truman and I think that adds to it. Then Truman is 8 months old and 11 pounds. He's part Maine Coon cat so he's huge and domineering which might also contribute to Kitty's behavior.
So now you know my pet worries. Next, let's see...there's my weight. After losing 20 lbs through diet and exercise, I've gained 10 back and I just can't seem to get motivated to start working out again. Although N-'s visit will help because I'll end up like her, grossly overweight and with a limited lifestyle because I just won't exercise. When I'm done writing, I will definitely workout - sit ups and such. Then, maybe I won't feel like such a bump, you know?!
Next, let's see, we have work. The day after I wrote my last entry, S- leaders and A- leaders got us in a room and told us we didn't have jobs with A- anymore. But they gave us a half day of vacation which makes it all better, don't you think? S- offered us all jobs at the same salary and we all took it. We moved over gradually in January. I soon had work to do which gratified me in some ways. I did my usual of making myself indispensable to my boss, doing many things above and beyond the call of duty and effectively getting paid for one job while responsible for two or three.
The office is definitely divided between the workers and the non-workers. In the last two months I've been spending a lot of time at work - for many reasons. The number one reason is that I have nothing else going on in my life to focus on and number two is that there's a ton of work to do and I, somehow, feel it's my responsibility to do it all. Ok, so there are really just two basic reasons, but each is so multifaceted that two just seems like too simple a number. I'm trying to follow L-'s advice and take back the power that I've given work over me. I feel like I've lost control over my life, that I'm just riding along, waiting on someone else to give me a break instead of trying to make a break for myself.
I re-read my previous entries and I'm back to my Dec 11th reflections of being tired. I am very tired. Tired of trying and losing. Tired of making stupid decisions. Of acting first and thinking later. It sounds so simple in the song to just "change your mind" and get a new outlook on life, but depression doesn't let you do that. Depression likes to keep you down in a continuous cycle of negativity and hopelessness. I know I don't want to do that anymore, but I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to keep trying, to keep hope that things will be ok when I am beginning to see that I don't win, that I'm forever going to make the wrong choices and not notice until it's too late! I am trying to find my faith in myself, but I can't seem to. It keeps me from doing anything because I'm afraid of the outcome. I'd rather hide in my cave than take a chance and possibly get hurt again.
This is all related to work because I can't seem to leave S- because I'm afraid no matter where I go, I'll do the same stuff that gets me in the same situation time and time again. So each day at work, I'm trying to keep to myself and not notice all the problems going on around me since I have no power to change or correct them. I sometimes feel like I'd like to be there when the people that irritate me suddenly realize where they've been wrong and wish they'd been right. But I've finally figured out that it's never going to happen. "IT" only goes around, never comes around.
L- sent me a daily inspiration that talks about vengeance being the Lord's and that there's no such thing as 'righteous anger'. Well, if that's true, then I have nothing, because it seems like I'm becoming an angry, bitter, envious person. I feel like every thing I do or say comes out nasty, so again I don't want to do or say anything because of it. But I know I have to try or else what's the point of living? And I've thought seriously of committing suicide, but there never seems to be a good time. I mean, it's either too close to some one's birthday or I'm doing something for someone that is depending on me. My co-dependency is the only thing keeping me alive at this point.
So now, we're on to the good stuff...my family and D-. Ok family first. I feel like a worthless mother. When I have the kids, I don't do anything, we fight, I get irritated and they end up thankful that they live with their dad. B- is prospering without me in his life so I guess D-'s prophecy of B- kicking himself when I was gone was wrong. And that makes me feel worthless among other things. Like no one wants me. Like no one cares for me except what I can DO for them. This weekend was M-'s birthday and I really missed being with them, seeing them everyday and really being part of their lives. But other than getting back with B-, which I am sure is not an option, what do I do? I'm terrified of losing 'my' place in the kids' lives, but didn't I really give it up when I moved out? I think I'm looking for a "No, Annie", but the answer to that is really "Yes, Annie".
My heart feels like it can't take any more pain, but everything I do just seems to add to it. Every decision I make just makes me feel worse and worse about myself. I feel like if I do something to enrich my life that I'm taking away from something I should be giving to the kids. I can't forgive myself and I wouldn't know how to in any case. I feel sometimes that I've got to suffer to make up for leaving B- and the kids. This is another vicious cycle I get into because I feel like "Well, Annie, you left to live a life, so live it" but if I do anything, I think "That's something that could have been given to the kids". Whether it's money, time, or my good moods which are about as rare as the times when I have money.
Ok, well, that one is too deep for me to keep going with so let's move on....D-. Well, we're on our fifth final separation. It helps that he's in Italy with J- until sometime in June. Then neither of us can give in to our baser needs, although my needs are for how he makes me feel when we're together. I feel loved and safe and important when I'm with him. Without him, I feel lonely, small and scared. All the 'what-if's' come out. What if I never get over him? What if I get over him and he comes back? What if he and J- decide to start a family while they're away? What if we really stick to this and I never see or hear from him again? What if I really left B- for D- and all my pain over the kids was for nothing? I feel like such a fool sometimes for giving in to him the way I do. I say I don't want to be alone waiting on him, but isn't that what I'm doing anyway? I mean I started writing tonight so I wouldn't feel so lonely and dead inside. That's exactly how I feel - dead. There is no joy in my life. Well, yesterday at M-'s party I felt joy, but I had to leave it behind since I left them last year.
Well, I've gone from feeling lonely tonight to feeling downright miserable. So much for writing being a release for me! I guess I should go before I talk myself into a handful of pills as a before bedtime snack. Talk to you later.
Annie
Well, it's been five months since I last wrote. So much for daily promises, huh?!? It's late Sunday night. N- is asleep in J-'s bed. A lot has happened in the last few months.
First, I've 'lost' two cats - Pip, who had been with me for 8 years disappeared in September and Harry, a kitten I'd gotten in July to celebrate my separation, took off right after my last entry in the middle of December. I'm telling you this because I feel like I'm not a good person for not searching for them more and for not taking better care of them.
In September, I got a puppy who is now a 50 lb dog that I am neglecting and I feel like I'm outright abusing her. I've placed ads to give her away, but I still have her. I don't want to take her to the pound, but that might be my only avenue at this point. Because I feel so guilty about her and not taking her out, I hide... at home by staying in bed, or by staying at work late. I won't go to the park because I feel like if I'm there, I should bring her, but it's so exhausting to walk her. So I just do nothing. That's been my MO for the last 27 years - give or take a year.
And so I'm in the house with my other two cats, Kitty and Truman. I took Kitty to the vet for the first time in six years last month. They said she is fine, but I can see her getting frailer and frailer and I can't tell if it's age, sickness or that she misses Harry - they were best buddies. She hates Truman and I think that adds to it. Then Truman is 8 months old and 11 pounds. He's part Maine Coon cat so he's huge and domineering which might also contribute to Kitty's behavior.
So now you know my pet worries. Next, let's see...there's my weight. After losing 20 lbs through diet and exercise, I've gained 10 back and I just can't seem to get motivated to start working out again. Although N-'s visit will help because I'll end up like her, grossly overweight and with a limited lifestyle because I just won't exercise. When I'm done writing, I will definitely workout - sit ups and such. Then, maybe I won't feel like such a bump, you know?!
Next, let's see, we have work. The day after I wrote my last entry, S- leaders and A- leaders got us in a room and told us we didn't have jobs with A- anymore. But they gave us a half day of vacation which makes it all better, don't you think? S- offered us all jobs at the same salary and we all took it. We moved over gradually in January. I soon had work to do which gratified me in some ways. I did my usual of making myself indispensable to my boss, doing many things above and beyond the call of duty and effectively getting paid for one job while responsible for two or three.
The office is definitely divided between the workers and the non-workers. In the last two months I've been spending a lot of time at work - for many reasons. The number one reason is that I have nothing else going on in my life to focus on and number two is that there's a ton of work to do and I, somehow, feel it's my responsibility to do it all. Ok, so there are really just two basic reasons, but each is so multifaceted that two just seems like too simple a number. I'm trying to follow L-'s advice and take back the power that I've given work over me. I feel like I've lost control over my life, that I'm just riding along, waiting on someone else to give me a break instead of trying to make a break for myself.
I re-read my previous entries and I'm back to my Dec 11th reflections of being tired. I am very tired. Tired of trying and losing. Tired of making stupid decisions. Of acting first and thinking later. It sounds so simple in the song to just "change your mind" and get a new outlook on life, but depression doesn't let you do that. Depression likes to keep you down in a continuous cycle of negativity and hopelessness. I know I don't want to do that anymore, but I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to keep trying, to keep hope that things will be ok when I am beginning to see that I don't win, that I'm forever going to make the wrong choices and not notice until it's too late! I am trying to find my faith in myself, but I can't seem to. It keeps me from doing anything because I'm afraid of the outcome. I'd rather hide in my cave than take a chance and possibly get hurt again.
This is all related to work because I can't seem to leave S- because I'm afraid no matter where I go, I'll do the same stuff that gets me in the same situation time and time again. So each day at work, I'm trying to keep to myself and not notice all the problems going on around me since I have no power to change or correct them. I sometimes feel like I'd like to be there when the people that irritate me suddenly realize where they've been wrong and wish they'd been right. But I've finally figured out that it's never going to happen. "IT" only goes around, never comes around.
L- sent me a daily inspiration that talks about vengeance being the Lord's and that there's no such thing as 'righteous anger'. Well, if that's true, then I have nothing, because it seems like I'm becoming an angry, bitter, envious person. I feel like every thing I do or say comes out nasty, so again I don't want to do or say anything because of it. But I know I have to try or else what's the point of living? And I've thought seriously of committing suicide, but there never seems to be a good time. I mean, it's either too close to some one's birthday or I'm doing something for someone that is depending on me. My co-dependency is the only thing keeping me alive at this point.
So now, we're on to the good stuff...my family and D-. Ok family first. I feel like a worthless mother. When I have the kids, I don't do anything, we fight, I get irritated and they end up thankful that they live with their dad. B- is prospering without me in his life so I guess D-'s prophecy of B- kicking himself when I was gone was wrong. And that makes me feel worthless among other things. Like no one wants me. Like no one cares for me except what I can DO for them. This weekend was M-'s birthday and I really missed being with them, seeing them everyday and really being part of their lives. But other than getting back with B-, which I am sure is not an option, what do I do? I'm terrified of losing 'my' place in the kids' lives, but didn't I really give it up when I moved out? I think I'm looking for a "No, Annie", but the answer to that is really "Yes, Annie".
My heart feels like it can't take any more pain, but everything I do just seems to add to it. Every decision I make just makes me feel worse and worse about myself. I feel like if I do something to enrich my life that I'm taking away from something I should be giving to the kids. I can't forgive myself and I wouldn't know how to in any case. I feel sometimes that I've got to suffer to make up for leaving B- and the kids. This is another vicious cycle I get into because I feel like "Well, Annie, you left to live a life, so live it" but if I do anything, I think "That's something that could have been given to the kids". Whether it's money, time, or my good moods which are about as rare as the times when I have money.
Ok, well, that one is too deep for me to keep going with so let's move on....D-. Well, we're on our fifth final separation. It helps that he's in Italy with J- until sometime in June. Then neither of us can give in to our baser needs, although my needs are for how he makes me feel when we're together. I feel loved and safe and important when I'm with him. Without him, I feel lonely, small and scared. All the 'what-if's' come out. What if I never get over him? What if I get over him and he comes back? What if he and J- decide to start a family while they're away? What if we really stick to this and I never see or hear from him again? What if I really left B- for D- and all my pain over the kids was for nothing? I feel like such a fool sometimes for giving in to him the way I do. I say I don't want to be alone waiting on him, but isn't that what I'm doing anyway? I mean I started writing tonight so I wouldn't feel so lonely and dead inside. That's exactly how I feel - dead. There is no joy in my life. Well, yesterday at M-'s party I felt joy, but I had to leave it behind since I left them last year.
Well, I've gone from feeling lonely tonight to feeling downright miserable. So much for writing being a release for me! I guess I should go before I talk myself into a handful of pills as a before bedtime snack. Talk to you later.
Annie
From Low to High
Dear Nicole, 12/14/2000
I'm sorry for not writing yesterday. I got home late from watching N- and just went to bed. I went to the therapist and she agreed that D- and I are screwed up, but she did suggest that I write down some goals in all areas of my life. I did some pretty courageous things today (for me). I called all my creditors and discussed my finances. I went to see that house for rent on L-. Hopefully, I'll get the place, we'll see. I also applied for a job at the G- C-. D- is probably about to wet his pants thinking about it. She's supposed to call me tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll make it since it's 4 nights a week for 9 hours - 7 pm to 4 am. BUT I might be able to manage it with a lot of caffeine for a little while...enough to catch up on bills anyway. I feel ok about it, I mean, I am not worried about anything except getting enough sleep.
Maybe in 5 years when I am 32, I'll own two houses like D-. Both the therapist and I think that he's afraid of giving up his creature comforts by leaving J-. Even he's said something to that effect which threw me for a loop. "What if I truly love you, but am too chicken to leave my wife?" I mean is that anything he needs to be saying to me?!? Me? Miss "take-anything-and-turn-it-into-a-glimmer-of-hope"??? I don't know where this latest conversation places us, but I'm not waiting for him to get his crap together to get myself together.
Speaking of which, I need to go to the bank and deposit Dad's Christmas gift - $25!!! And take back all those library books. God knows what my charges are for those books. Talk to you tomorrow.
Annie
ps. Bush is president! Ugh!
I'm sorry for not writing yesterday. I got home late from watching N- and just went to bed. I went to the therapist and she agreed that D- and I are screwed up, but she did suggest that I write down some goals in all areas of my life. I did some pretty courageous things today (for me). I called all my creditors and discussed my finances. I went to see that house for rent on L-. Hopefully, I'll get the place, we'll see. I also applied for a job at the G- C-. D- is probably about to wet his pants thinking about it. She's supposed to call me tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll make it since it's 4 nights a week for 9 hours - 7 pm to 4 am. BUT I might be able to manage it with a lot of caffeine for a little while...enough to catch up on bills anyway. I feel ok about it, I mean, I am not worried about anything except getting enough sleep.
Maybe in 5 years when I am 32, I'll own two houses like D-. Both the therapist and I think that he's afraid of giving up his creature comforts by leaving J-. Even he's said something to that effect which threw me for a loop. "What if I truly love you, but am too chicken to leave my wife?" I mean is that anything he needs to be saying to me?!? Me? Miss "take-anything-and-turn-it-into-a-glimmer-of-hope"??? I don't know where this latest conversation places us, but I'm not waiting for him to get his crap together to get myself together.
Speaking of which, I need to go to the bank and deposit Dad's Christmas gift - $25!!! And take back all those library books. God knows what my charges are for those books. Talk to you tomorrow.
Annie
ps. Bush is president! Ugh!
Birthday Follow up
Dear Nicole, 12/12/2000
Well, I couldn't muster enough energy to get out of bed today, so I called in sick. I slept until Y- called and then finished my book. Then I went to see N-. We did her Christmas cards and I fixed her dinner. I came home after thinking I had a therapist appointment tonight. I did some shopping beforehand, spending money I don't have. I watched "Centerstage" and then while rewinding, decided to check email. D- had just emailed me to say he was online. We IM'ed for about 3 hours. At first he was turning things sexual and after we took a 1/2 hour break for him to talk to his wife, I started asking him some questions about us. That took an hour in itself.
We're pretty clear that we have chemistry and we like each other. Kind of like the first blush of a relationship, but don't know enough about each other to take it further. He did tell me that I fulfill a need for him that J- doesn't and he's afraid they'll never get it back. Does that mean I'm to fill that need forever or until he decides he doesn't have that need anymore?
I really hope J- is praying for me everyday because I certainly need it. I need help in every way imaginable. Just jump on in - don't wait for an invitation!!!
Well, it's late and I have to be up in a little while so good night.
Annie
Well, I couldn't muster enough energy to get out of bed today, so I called in sick. I slept until Y- called and then finished my book. Then I went to see N-. We did her Christmas cards and I fixed her dinner. I came home after thinking I had a therapist appointment tonight. I did some shopping beforehand, spending money I don't have. I watched "Centerstage" and then while rewinding, decided to check email. D- had just emailed me to say he was online. We IM'ed for about 3 hours. At first he was turning things sexual and after we took a 1/2 hour break for him to talk to his wife, I started asking him some questions about us. That took an hour in itself.
We're pretty clear that we have chemistry and we like each other. Kind of like the first blush of a relationship, but don't know enough about each other to take it further. He did tell me that I fulfill a need for him that J- doesn't and he's afraid they'll never get it back. Does that mean I'm to fill that need forever or until he decides he doesn't have that need anymore?
I really hope J- is praying for me everyday because I certainly need it. I need help in every way imaginable. Just jump on in - don't wait for an invitation!!!
Well, it's late and I have to be up in a little while so good night.
Annie
Unhappy Birthday
Dear Nicole, 12/11/2000
Today is my 28th birthday and I'm tired. Tired of struggling, making mistakes, hurting others, being hurt and trying so hard to see absolutely no results. I am also just tired from lack of sleep. I'm trying to stay awake to wait for D- to call but since my eyes are closing of their own free will, I guess I'll catch him later. I'll write more tomorrow, promise.
Annie
Today is my 28th birthday and I'm tired. Tired of struggling, making mistakes, hurting others, being hurt and trying so hard to see absolutely no results. I am also just tired from lack of sleep. I'm trying to stay awake to wait for D- to call but since my eyes are closing of their own free will, I guess I'll catch him later. I'll write more tomorrow, promise.
Annie
Things
Dear Nicole, 10/22/07
Ok, so it's been awhile. At least then when I do write, it's an event! I'm at lunch at the office. I actually brought my lunch today, can you believe it?!? Ulterior motives. If I eat in the breakroom, I can see the various hotties around the office as they walk by. Yes, I know not much changes around here. Different scenery, different faces, same old story.
I am writing because I need an outlet for all the thoughts and emotions going through my mind lately. That whole concept of friends for reasons, seasons or a lifetime is right. You would have to be a lifetime friend. Listening to all my ups and downs over the years. I appreciate it.
Ok, so the latest saga, I want to be a writer. You've known that for about twenty some odd years, but I'm finally doing something about it. I have so many ideas and want to see them all through, but I have writer's ADD sometimes. Start one thing, don't finish it before I move on to something else. I am finally getting sick enough of corporate life to make the leap though.
Here's what I envision: A nice, crisp, clean room. White curtains around the open window that blow gently in the breeze. I look up to feel the wind caress my face and look out on the gorgeous landscape that surrounds me. Trees in fall colors, hills, grassy meadows, puffy clouds, blue sky, birds circling high as they ride the same currents that are carried through my window. I turn back to my computer to continue writing. Of course, I will have to get over writing by hand, like I do now.
In this fantasy, I have already overcome the hardships of writing, like finishing a manuscript, getting it published and surviving the criticism. I really want this badly, so I am preparing myself. My plans consist of writing short stories to be sent to the local magazines and papers. Sort of editorials - a woman on the streets if you will. Not a woman of the streets as those are a different type of story!
My mom once told me that I should write children's books. I was just thinking that if I did really young kids' books, I could get my brother to do the art work for me. Might be an icebreaker for me at this point.
Ok, so now that the game plan is out there, let's talk about the juicy stuff...BOYS!! I want one so badly I can practically taste it. Or that could just be my stomach grumbling since I'm not actually eating my lunch that I brought (hard to cut chicken and write at the same time). Anywho, the players at this moment on the stage of my imagination are as follows:
G - software developer, tall, thin, darkly handsome and about 8 years younger than me. Lovely accent and dimples that you could dive in!
S - same department, attentive, funny, smart, pain in the ass, looks great in a pair of jeans, but unfortunately he knows it!
M - young, athletic soccer coach. Younger and is swarmed by all the moms and young girls whenever he is on the field. He's another one that believes his own press...but he's nice to look at.
J - young (there's a theme here), quiet, works out, single dad....we make eye contact in the hallway, although I prefer to view him from behind!
And yet none of them are really options since I swore that I wouldn't get interested in someone from work again...M doesn't count either, not a deep enough connection. I will have to keep looking, although my horoscope said I'd probably meet my soul mate on a trip. I'm off to Chicago tomorrow for the rest of the week. Who knows, maybe Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now will be there for me to meet? I will allow myself to be open to meeting him.
Well, I guess that's all for now. I will definitely be keeping in touch more often. I have to get this stuff out somehow.
Love,
Annie
Ok, so it's been awhile. At least then when I do write, it's an event! I'm at lunch at the office. I actually brought my lunch today, can you believe it?!? Ulterior motives. If I eat in the breakroom, I can see the various hotties around the office as they walk by. Yes, I know not much changes around here. Different scenery, different faces, same old story.
I am writing because I need an outlet for all the thoughts and emotions going through my mind lately. That whole concept of friends for reasons, seasons or a lifetime is right. You would have to be a lifetime friend. Listening to all my ups and downs over the years. I appreciate it.
Ok, so the latest saga, I want to be a writer. You've known that for about twenty some odd years, but I'm finally doing something about it. I have so many ideas and want to see them all through, but I have writer's ADD sometimes. Start one thing, don't finish it before I move on to something else. I am finally getting sick enough of corporate life to make the leap though.
Here's what I envision: A nice, crisp, clean room. White curtains around the open window that blow gently in the breeze. I look up to feel the wind caress my face and look out on the gorgeous landscape that surrounds me. Trees in fall colors, hills, grassy meadows, puffy clouds, blue sky, birds circling high as they ride the same currents that are carried through my window. I turn back to my computer to continue writing. Of course, I will have to get over writing by hand, like I do now.
In this fantasy, I have already overcome the hardships of writing, like finishing a manuscript, getting it published and surviving the criticism. I really want this badly, so I am preparing myself. My plans consist of writing short stories to be sent to the local magazines and papers. Sort of editorials - a woman on the streets if you will. Not a woman of the streets as those are a different type of story!
My mom once told me that I should write children's books. I was just thinking that if I did really young kids' books, I could get my brother to do the art work for me. Might be an icebreaker for me at this point.
Ok, so now that the game plan is out there, let's talk about the juicy stuff...BOYS!! I want one so badly I can practically taste it. Or that could just be my stomach grumbling since I'm not actually eating my lunch that I brought (hard to cut chicken and write at the same time). Anywho, the players at this moment on the stage of my imagination are as follows:
G - software developer, tall, thin, darkly handsome and about 8 years younger than me. Lovely accent and dimples that you could dive in!
S - same department, attentive, funny, smart, pain in the ass, looks great in a pair of jeans, but unfortunately he knows it!
M - young, athletic soccer coach. Younger and is swarmed by all the moms and young girls whenever he is on the field. He's another one that believes his own press...but he's nice to look at.
J - young (there's a theme here), quiet, works out, single dad....we make eye contact in the hallway, although I prefer to view him from behind!
And yet none of them are really options since I swore that I wouldn't get interested in someone from work again...M doesn't count either, not a deep enough connection. I will have to keep looking, although my horoscope said I'd probably meet my soul mate on a trip. I'm off to Chicago tomorrow for the rest of the week. Who knows, maybe Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now will be there for me to meet? I will allow myself to be open to meeting him.
Well, I guess that's all for now. I will definitely be keeping in touch more often. I have to get this stuff out somehow.
Love,
Annie
Thursday, November 15, 2007
A return to blogging....
Dear Nicole,
Right now, it's almost 3 AM. I think when most people read that, they will think "Oh my goodness! What is she doing up so late?", however the time itself isn't shocking. It's the fact that I spent the last 6 hours working on finishing up a detailed something or other for work when my boss told me to take the easy way out. Just to be stubborn, I continued on the path I'd started. And I will have to spend time tomorrow reviewing it again to figure out why it's off. By a million dollars.
I tell this story to show exactly how I let my pride and stubbornness get in the way of progress. Since I've been writing to you for almost 20 years, I'm pretty sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. I am only just realizing this about myself and working on correcting this malfunction in my personality! (A hint about 15 years ago would have been appreciated!)
I apologize for the gap in writing for the last year. I had another blog set up where I gave too much of myself and too many people read it and used what I had written against me in various forms. I deleted it for many reasons: 1) because every time I read previous posts, I got maudlin, 2) I wanted to remove all contact with the people that had been reading it and 3) I was thoroughly embarrassed by my lack of discretion. You know how open I can be, but it's just occurring to me that the other people in the situation might not like the story told from any point of view. Old dogs can learn new tricks...no names and no giving out the address this time. I doubt any one I know will stumble across the newest version of our communication. We'll see.
What can I tell you about the last year? Let's see...I've changed jobs twice, once voluntarily, once not so voluntarily...but both resulted in a better 'next job' for me. I have given up the house owning dream...well it was a nightmare wasn't it? From day one, that house was not blessed and any luck that ran through it was bad luck. I am really enjoying where I am at now, my landlord is great (and hot) and I feel like I've entered a country club of sorts.
The romance situation is the same. Dear Lord! Help! I am worse than a 13 year old who's just been told they are allowed to date. I run either hot or cold. Confident, sexy, charming, witty, fun or a recluse with a bad attitude and terrible complexion. Someone told me today that if I want different results I need to do something different. There are so many areas to do that in, I have to pick the one with the most pain and start there I suppose.
I think my nerves and shyness and self doubt and self sabotaging are the worst for me. I think I'll start there. As an example, I went DT for lunch last week, and there was the smallest possibility that I might run into him. When I got out of my car, my hands were shaking so badly, it was like I was either in the middle of a deep freeze or high on 10 red bulls! I know I have nervous energy and that I am high strung to say the least. I am working on some yoga breathing to calm my nerves, relax me and help me focus on what's really important. ME!
Ok, well I just wanted to drop a line and let you know I was still alive. I will be writing more and revisiting some of our past letters. Who knows, someone one may read them and know exactly how to fix whatever problem I have (that day).
Good night (morning)
Annie
Right now, it's almost 3 AM. I think when most people read that, they will think "Oh my goodness! What is she doing up so late?", however the time itself isn't shocking. It's the fact that I spent the last 6 hours working on finishing up a detailed something or other for work when my boss told me to take the easy way out. Just to be stubborn, I continued on the path I'd started. And I will have to spend time tomorrow reviewing it again to figure out why it's off. By a million dollars.
I tell this story to show exactly how I let my pride and stubbornness get in the way of progress. Since I've been writing to you for almost 20 years, I'm pretty sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. I am only just realizing this about myself and working on correcting this malfunction in my personality! (A hint about 15 years ago would have been appreciated!)
I apologize for the gap in writing for the last year. I had another blog set up where I gave too much of myself and too many people read it and used what I had written against me in various forms. I deleted it for many reasons: 1) because every time I read previous posts, I got maudlin, 2) I wanted to remove all contact with the people that had been reading it and 3) I was thoroughly embarrassed by my lack of discretion. You know how open I can be, but it's just occurring to me that the other people in the situation might not like the story told from any point of view. Old dogs can learn new tricks...no names and no giving out the address this time. I doubt any one I know will stumble across the newest version of our communication. We'll see.
What can I tell you about the last year? Let's see...I've changed jobs twice, once voluntarily, once not so voluntarily...but both resulted in a better 'next job' for me. I have given up the house owning dream...well it was a nightmare wasn't it? From day one, that house was not blessed and any luck that ran through it was bad luck. I am really enjoying where I am at now, my landlord is great (and hot) and I feel like I've entered a country club of sorts.
The romance situation is the same. Dear Lord! Help! I am worse than a 13 year old who's just been told they are allowed to date. I run either hot or cold. Confident, sexy, charming, witty, fun or a recluse with a bad attitude and terrible complexion. Someone told me today that if I want different results I need to do something different. There are so many areas to do that in, I have to pick the one with the most pain and start there I suppose.
I think my nerves and shyness and self doubt and self sabotaging are the worst for me. I think I'll start there. As an example, I went DT for lunch last week, and there was the smallest possibility that I might run into him. When I got out of my car, my hands were shaking so badly, it was like I was either in the middle of a deep freeze or high on 10 red bulls! I know I have nervous energy and that I am high strung to say the least. I am working on some yoga breathing to calm my nerves, relax me and help me focus on what's really important. ME!
Ok, well I just wanted to drop a line and let you know I was still alive. I will be writing more and revisiting some of our past letters. Who knows, someone one may read them and know exactly how to fix whatever problem I have (that day).
Good night (morning)
Annie
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